Navigating Numbness in Grief: Insights from Grief Counselling
“I feel nothing... do I even care?”
“I can’t seem to cry, but I’m sad... I think?”
“I forgot it was his birthday -- it felt like any other day.”
These reflections echo through many of my grief counselling sessions with clients. When faced with profound loss, it’s not uncommon to feel like your emotions have switched off, leaving you numb, detached, and even questioning whether you’re grieving at all.
Numbness is part of the brain’s survival toolkit. Just as you might freeze in a moment of danger, grief can trigger a similar "freeze" response in the nervous system. The world around you moves on, but you remain stuck in place, knowing you want to leave the house, take a shower, or call a friend, but you just can’t move, find the words, or will yourself to act. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk notes in The Body Keeps the Score, the body often responds to trauma by numbing sensations until it feels safe enough to release them. This holds true for grief as well.
In the midst of grief, it can feel impossible to move forward when you’re stuck in the fog of numbness. Yet, this numbness isn’t a failure to grieve—it’s a temporary state, allowing you to continue living while your mind and body grapple with the depth of loss. The challenge lies in knowing when to let that protective shield soften, allowing your emotions to resurface so you can begin to thaw.
Numbness as a Sensation
Numbness isn’t just an emotional experience; it’s a full-body response. You might notice:
Cold: That chill isn’t just in your heart; your whole body might feel frosty.
Difficulty Moving: It’s as if everything feels heavier and slower, like moving through molasses.
Floaty: You might feel ungrounded, as though you’re not fully attached to your body, or even floating above it.
Hollow: There’s a void where your emotions should be, leaving you feeling empty.
Dull: Colours, tastes, and experiences seem muted, as though life’s volume has been turned down.
Additionally, you may notice:
Social Disconnection: Grief-induced numbness can create emotional distance, making socializing feel draining or pointless. You may withdraw from loved ones, feel indifferent during conversations, or avoid gatherings altogether. This withdrawal can be confusing, as people often expect support during loss, yet the numbness prevents you from reaching out. As your nervous system remains in a 'freeze' state, connecting with others may feel like an impossible effort, leading to isolation even in the presence of support.
Sexual Disengagement: Numbness can dull your connection to sexual intimacy, whether with yourself or others, leaving you feeling detached from your body and emotions. Touch may feel muted or mechanical, and libido often wanes. Grief may make sexual intimacy feel like a task rather than a meaningful connection, as the body remains locked in its protective mode.
Spiritual Disconnection: Grief may disrupt your connection to spirituality or other grounding practices. Activities like prayer, meditation, connecting with nature, creative expression, or connecting to a higher power may suddenly feel hollow. This spiritual numbness can lead to a crisis of faith or make it difficult to find solace in rituals and routines that once brought a sense of comfort or connection.
Societal Expectations, Shame, and Grief Reality
Society often imposes unrealistic expectations around grief—expecting visible signs of sorrow and a strict timeline for “moving on.” When we don’t meet these expectations, it’s easy to feel like we’re grieving “wrong.” Society’s demand for tears, mourning clothes, and sombre behaviour adds unnecessary pressure to an already complex emotional process.
This societal pressure can create a cycle of shame. For example, you might decide to clean out the closet of a loved one who has passed, expecting it to bring a sense of closure. But instead, you find yourself standing there, staring blankly at the clothes, feeling frozen and unable to move. That paralysis can stir doubts—wondering if the lack of tears or action means you didn’t care enough. This guilt and shame become another layer of protection, driving you further into numbness and making it even harder to access your emotions.
The truth? Grief doesn’t follow a rulebook. It’s messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal. One day, grief might look like tears; the next, it might look like numbness or distraction. There’s no correct timeline and no singular emotional response. The notion that we must constantly cry or consistently feel our emotions only perpetuates the myth that numbness is wrong. In fact, numbness is a normal part of the process.
However, if numbness lingers too long or severely impacts your daily life, it could be a sign of complicated grief. Persistent numbness, coupled with difficulty in resuming daily activities or severe depression and anxiety, may indicate the need for additional support. Therapy offers a safe space to unpack these feelings and find ways to move forward.
The Role of Polyvagal Theory in Understanding Numbness
Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, sheds light on how our autonomic nervous system reacts to stress and trauma. At its core is the vagus nerve, which runs from the brainstem throughout the body, influencing heart rate, digestion, and other vital functions. This nerve plays a critical role in regulating our responses to safety, danger, and life-threatening situations.
According to Polyvagal Theory, the autonomic nervous system operates across three states:
Ventral Vagal State (safe, social engagement)
Sympathetic Activation (fight-or-flight)
Dorsal Vagal State (freeze or shutdown)
In grief, especially following traumatic loss, the body may enter the dorsal vagal state. Here, the vagus nerve essentially 'shuts down' certain systems—lowering heart rate, numbing sensations, and creating an overwhelming sense of immobility. This is the freeze response: a protective mechanism triggered when neither fight nor flight feels viable. While it’s intended to prevent further harm by conserving energy, staying stuck in this state can block emotional processing, prolonging numbness and hindering healing.
The vagus nerve also helps us move between these states, shifting from freeze to sympathetic activation (energizing the body for action) and back into the ventral vagal state (restoring calm and social connection). “Bottom-up” practices can help 'climb the ladder' from freeze to more regulated states, making it easier to reconnect with feelings and begin healing.
Ways to Move Out of Numbness Using Bottom-Up Approaches
Bottom-up approaches work with the body to influence the mind, helping you reconnect with emotions in a safe, gradual way. These methods target physical sensations to gently coax the nervous system out of the freeze state. Examples include breathwork, movement practices, and sensory stimulation.
For instance, breathwork stimulates the vagus nerve, which promotes parasympathetic activity, helping you feel calmer and more grounded. Exploratory orienting—paying mindful attention to your surroundings without judgment or expectation—has also been shown to help release the freeze response and restore a sense of safety in the nervous system (Kolacz & Porges, 2018).
Research indicates that bottom-up practices can reduce trauma and stress symptoms by regulating the nervous system and enhancing emotional processing (Ogden et al., 2006). These approaches activate physiological processes and can lead to the release of neurochemicals like oxytocin and serotonin, fostering feelings of safety, connection, and emotional balance.
It’s common in a freeze state to "not feel like it" or "not feel ready" to engage in these practices. However, choosing to act despite that hesitation can help break the cycle. Simple activities like humming, gentle yoga, or progressive muscle relaxation can be done within your unique means and abilities, offering small steps toward reconnecting with your emotions in a way that feels manageable.
Practical Tools and Resources for Managing Numbness in Grief
Individual Therapy: One-on-one therapy offers a focused space to explore grief and emotional numbness, helping you reconnect with your emotions safely. While it provides personalized support, combining it with community and self-care practices is often the most effective approach for healing.
Music: Build a playlist that mirrors your emotions. Music can help unlock emotions by connecting with the brain's emotional centers, allowing you to process feelings that might be hard to access otherwise (Juslin & Västfjäll, 2008).
Local Support Groups: Connect with others who are in the same boat. Shared experiences can normalize your grief and offer healing through witnessing and being witnessed by others. You can find local grief support groups through community centers or online directories.
Bottom-Up Approaches: As mentioned above, engage in body-based activities that fit your unique circumstances. There’s a fine balance between knowing when it’s time to rest and honor your freeze state and when it feels right to begin thawing. Find what works for you and practice it regularly.
Self-Compassion: Give yourself permission to rest, reflect, and take breaks from the weight of expectations. There’s no “right” way to grieve. Speak to your numbness as you would to a friend who needs space and kindness—offering gentle patience, without judgment.
Take the Next Step Towards Healing
Grief is a deeply personal journey, and navigating numbness can feel like stumbling through the fog. If you’re feeling lost in this process, I’m here to help. As a Registered Nurse Psychotherapist specializing in grief counselling and trauma-informed therapy, I’m here for residents of Ontario. Book a free 15-minute consultation call with me today, and let’s find your path forward together.
References
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
Kolacz, J., & Porges, S. W. (2018). Chronic diffuse pain and functional gastrointestinal disorders after traumatic stress: Pathophysiology through a polyvagal perspective. Frontiers in Medicine, 5, 145. https://doi.org/10.3389/fmed.2018.00145
Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
Juslin, P. N., & Västfjäll, D. (2008). Emotional responses to music: The need to consider underlying mechanisms. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 31(5), 559-575. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0140525X08005293