“Trauma always carries grief, though not every grief carries trauma. Therefore, grief work is a primary ingredient in the resolution of trauma.” – Francis Weller
Understanding the Profound Connection Between Grief and Trauma
Life is a dynamic interplay of experiences, blending moments of happiness with times of hardship. In this emotional terrain, we often navigate the complexities of grief and trauma. But what happens when these forces collide? In this blog post, we will explore the interconnectedness of grief and trauma and how they shape our emotional realities.
Grief and trauma often coexist, intertwining in ways that can have a profound effect on us physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, sexually, and socially. Grief typically arises from loss, evoking a range of feelings, including sadness, yearning, frustration, confusion, and guilt, reflecting the depth of our connections to what—and who—has been lost. In contrast, trauma refers to emotional and psychological wounds left by distressing experiences, disrupting our sense of safety and leading to isolation from ourselves and others. The relationship between grief and trauma suggests that grief can sometimes take on a traumatic quality, especially when it goes unsupported.
Natural Adaptive Responses on a Spectrum
Grief and trauma are natural, adaptive responses to life’s challenges, existing along a spectrum that significantly influences how we navigate difficult experiences. The interplay between these two forces can result in complex emotional responses, as demonstrated by the following examples:
Job Loss: Losing a job can evoke profound grief for the loss of stability while simultaneously triggering trauma responses related to insecurity. In this situation, you might experience intense physical reactions, such as a racing heart, sleeplessness, and muscle tension. Unlike regular stress, these trauma responses can feel overwhelming and persistent, leading to a sense of panic when contemplating your financial future.
Sudden Loss: Imagine someone facing a sudden loss, such as the death of a close friend. This event not only brings about deep grief but can also trigger trauma responses tied to feelings of abandonment and insecurity. The resulting death anxiety can manifest as intrusive thoughts about mortality, further complicating the grieving process.
Childhood Trauma: A child who witnesses domestic violence may experience trauma; however, the subsequent loss of safety can lead to grief for the innocence of childhood. This grief may not fully surface until adulthood, sometimes manifesting as depression or unresolved emotional pain. Unlike typical stress responses, the impacts of this trauma can reverberate throughout one's life, affecting future relationships and emotional stability.
These examples vividly illustrate how grief and trauma intertwine, intricately shaping our emotional landscape in profound and often challenging ways. By distinguishing trauma responses from regular stress, we can better understand the deeper implications of our experiences and the need for appropriate support.
Trauma: Understanding Its Depth
So, what exactly is trauma? Dr. Gabor Maté defines trauma as "something that happens too soon, too much, or too quickly" for the body and mind to process. This definition highlights that trauma is not just an event; it encompasses our body’s response as well.
MC McDonald describes trauma as "an unbearable emotional experience with no relational home." This lack of support leaves individuals with unprocessed pain, leading to lasting psychic wounds. This explains why two people experiencing the same event may respond differently; one may develop trauma while the other does not, depending largely on the support received afterward.
Research shows that unsupported grief can be perceived as a type of trauma in the brain. Harris et al. (2021) demonstrate that unprocessed grief can change neural pathways, leading to trauma responses. In death- and grief-phobic societies, individuals often struggle to find support. When grief is not validated, it can alter brain chemistry in ways similar to trauma survivors.
Trauma arises from what occurs—such as violent incidents, sudden loss, or neglect—and what does not, like a lack of safety or connection. It can create a stored charge in the body, causing heightened arousal or numbness. When the experience and processing of trauma are interrupted, it can become cemented, leading to lingering emotional pain. This pain may manifest as anxiety, depression, or physical symptoms, and unresolved trauma can contribute to various health issues, underscoring the need for proper support.
The Universality of Grief and Trauma in Animals
Grief and trauma are not solely human experiences; they also manifest in animals. In the wild, animals often complete their stress or trauma cycles through physical behaviors like shaking, vocalizing, or engaging in social behaviors that promote healing. Humans, on the other hand, frequently suppress these natural cycles, which can lead to longer-term physical and emotional challenges.
For example, dogs often display signs of grief after losing a companion, such as searching for them, becoming withdrawn, or refusing to eat. Just as humans may struggle with these feelings, dogs express their grief through changes in behavior and emotional withdrawal.
Similarly, elephants are known to mourn their dead, displaying behaviors like touching the bones of deceased herd members, vocalizing in distress, and showing signs of depression. They may stand by the body for extended periods, displaying behaviors that indicate sadness and confusion. These grief behaviors serve as powerful reminders of the deep emotional connections shared across species.
The Complexity of Grief: Beyond the Stages
Many are familiar with the Kübler-Ross stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—but it’s essential to recognize that these stages are not a strict roadmap. Instead, they serve as a framework for understanding an inherently fluid process. Individuals may experience some, all, or none of these stages simultaneously.
In my experience of losing my mother, I often looped through these stages. Even five years after her passing, a rapid flurry of anger and profound unfairness would resurface. Just moments later, I found myself bargaining with a ghost, desperately trying to make sense of it all. This unpredictable journey reflects the winding nature of grief.
Research supports this perspective, indicating that grief can manifest unexpectedly and varies significantly from person to person (Doka, 2002). Embracing this fluidity helps us navigate the ups and downs of our feelings, validating our unique experiences.
Yearning: The Unquenchable Thirst for What Could Have Been
Grief often evokes a profound sense of yearning—a deep emotional need for what has been lost. This yearning can feel like extreme thirst; you see a water fountain in the distance, but as you get closer, it turns out to be an illusion, leaving you unfulfilled and longing for what you cannot have.
For instance, if you've gone no-contact with an abusive parent, you may grapple with a tumultuous mix of emotions—relief, anger, and numbness. Yet beneath these feelings lies a yearning for the nurturing love you deserved but never received.
Grief is not merely “unexpressed love,” a notion popularized on social media. This oversimplification can be harmful, as it overlooks the rich and varied experiences many individuals face. Acknowledging this yearning helps us understand the intricacies of our grief and honors our inner child, reminding us that our feelings are valid and deserving of exploration.
How Grief and Trauma Shape Our Beliefs
Grief and trauma extend beyond emotional responses; they can cement core beliefs and personal narratives that shape our worldview. Research by Janoff-Bulman (2010) shows how traumatic experiences can fundamentally alter our assumptions about safety and trust.
When we encounter loss or trauma, we often internalize messages about ourselves and the world. For instance, a child who experiences abandonment may grow into adulthood with beliefs centered on unworthiness or the inevitability of loss. These beliefs can significantly impact adult relationships, leaving individuals feeling trapped in cycles that echo their past.
Understanding this dynamic is crucial for recognizing how our responses to grief and trauma are linked to our core beliefs. By acknowledging these influences, we can begin to untangle ourselves from limiting narratives, paving the way for healthier connections.
Grief and Trauma: A Journey of Learning
Both grief and trauma represent profound forms of learning—adjustments to new realities that emerge when someone or something significant is lost. Mary-Frances O'Connor (2019) emphasizes that the grieving brain actively reconfigures itself in response to loss, reshaping our mental schemas—our frameworks for understanding the world. For instance, consider coming home from work, expecting the warm greeting of your beloved dog, only to confront the heartbreaking reality that they are no longer there. This shocking realization underscores the time it takes to adjust to such a new reality.
Kaitlin M. Kessler et al. (2020) further illustrate how traumatic experiences can fundamentally alter our self-perception and worldview, necessitating a reworking of our mental frameworks. This adjustment can be disorienting, especially in the beginning. For example, after a car accident, a person might develop unconscious associations between the sound of screeching tires and feelings of anxiety, triggering stress reactions long after the event.
Understanding that grief and trauma involve deep, often unconscious learning validates the confusion and pain we experience. This awareness encourages us to approach our emotional journeys with compassion, recognizing that we are not merely processing feelings; we are navigating the intricate task of reshaping our understanding of ourselves and the world.
Intergenerational Grief and Trauma
Grief and trauma can also extend beyond the individual, affecting families and communities across generations. Intergenerational trauma refers to how the trauma experienced by one generation impacts the emotional and psychological well-being of subsequent generations. This phenomenon is especially significant in marginalized communities, where historical injustices and collective grief shape family narratives.
Dr. Maria Yellow Horse Brave Heart has done extensive work on historical trauma and its effects on Indigenous communities, noting how the effects of trauma from colonization continue to impact mental health and social functioning (Brave Heart, 2018). These patterns create a cycle of grief and trauma passed down, influencing the beliefs, behaviors, and emotional responses of descendants. Epigenetics shows us that this biological transmission underscores the need for healing not just at the individual level but within families and communities.
Skills for Processing Grief and Trauma
Processing grief and trauma is not merely a challenge to overcome but a vital journey of self-discovery and healing. These experiences require our attention and understanding, as they shape who we are and how we interact with the world around us. Instead of viewing grief and trauma as obstacles, we can embrace them as essential teachers that offer valuable insights into our emotional landscapes.
In many wellness spaces, the idea of “releasing” trauma or grief is prevalent. However, this oversimplification can be misleading; it suggests that these emotions are burdens to discard rather than lifelong companions that enrich our understanding of ourselves. Grief and trauma can teach us profound lessons about love, loss, and resilience if we allow ourselves to engage with them deeply.
To navigate the complexities of grief and trauma and foster personal growth, consider incorporating any of the following practices into your daily life:
Mindfulness: Practice being present with your feelings without judgment. This can help you recognize and acknowledge your emotions as they arise.
Journaling: Write down your thoughts and feelings as a means of processing your experiences. This can create a safe space for self-expression.
Therapy: Engaging with a mental health professional can provide valuable support and tools to help you navigate your grief and trauma.
Rituals: Create meaningful rituals that honor your feelings and facilitate processing.
Creative Expression: Use art, music, or movement to convey your emotions and explore your grief and trauma in a personal way.
Nature Connection: Spend time outdoors to ground yourself and find solace in the natural world. Nature can be a powerful source of healing and reflection.
Community Support: Seek connections with others who have experienced similar losses. Sharing your journey can provide comfort and validation.
One ritual that helps me connect with my mother, who passed away in 2019, is dancing in private as if I’m with her. I play music we cherished, create a soothing ambiance, and allow myself to be transported to a time that feels both distant and vividly present. This practice honors my grief while celebrating our bond.
Embracing these practices can cultivate a compassionate relationship with your grief and trauma, allowing you to navigate your emotional journey with grace and resilience. By recognizing that these feelings are valid and worthy of exploration, we can begin to understand the richness they bring to our lives.
A Journey Worth Taking
If you’re navigating grief, trauma, or major life transitions and need support, I can help. As a Registered Nurse Psychotherapist specializing in grief counselling and trauma-informed therapy, I’m here for residents of Ontario. Book a free 15-minute consultation call with me today, and let’s find your path forward together.
References
Brave Heart, M. Y. H. (2018). The historical trauma response among natives and its relationship with substance abuse: A Lakota perspective. Journal of Psychoactive Drugs, 30(4), 345-353.
Courtois, C. A., & Ford, J. D. (2016). Treating Complex Trauma: A Sequenced, Relationship-Based Approach.
Ho, C. M. K. (2021). The Role of Cultural Narratives in Grief and Healing. Journal of Grief and Loss.
Janoff-Bulman, R. (2010). Shattered Assumptions: Towards a New Psychology of Trauma.
O'Connor, M. F. (2019). Grief in the Time of COVID-19: A Guide to the Psychological Impact of Loss.
Kessler, K. M., et al. (2020). Trauma and Self-Perception: Understanding the Impact of Trauma on Identity. Journal of Trauma Studies.
Levine, P. A. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness.
Mingus, M. (2018). Community Care: Collective Grief and Healing. Disability Justice Publications.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.
Weller, F. (2012). The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief.
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: Research and Guidelines for Practice.