Preface: Not every dysfunctional dynamic or relationship is inherently traumatic. What is and isn't traumatic varies from individual to individual and is deeply context-dependent. Conflict is not necessarily abuse, and dysfunctional relationships are seldom black and white. While this blog post does not address the bidirectionality of harm or feelings of guilt that may arise, these are very real aspects of such dynamics. For the purposes of this blog post, trauma is not assumed but rather understood as a by-product of many dysfunctional relationships.
Untangling the Grief and Trauma of a Dysfunctional Relationship
Grief is rarely straightforward—especially when it involves someone who caused you pain. Whether it was an abusive relationship, a painful estrangement, or an unresolved family conflict, grieving someone who hurt you stirs up more than just sadness. Research shows that grief tied to unresolved conflicts or complex trauma can be even more intense than normal grief, often leading to prolonged emotional distress (Harris & Sutherland, 2021). If you're feeling a confusing blend of sorrow, anger, or even relief, you’re not alone. These mixed emotions are a valid and important part of your healing process.
Some common examples include:
Severing ties with an emotionally abusive parent
Leaving a partner after years of manipulation or control
Ending a friendship marked by repeated betrayal
Walking away from a boss or mentor who caused harm through toxic power dynamics
Escaping a religious community where spiritual abuse was present
In all these cases, the grieving process often involves unraveling a tangle of emotions, histories, and unmet needs.
What Makes Grief So Complex in Dysfunctional Relationships?
When a relationship is marred by dysfunction or abuse, the grieving process is anything but typical. You might find yourself grieving not only the person but also the version of the relationship you wished for but never had. You may feel relief that it’s over yet still long for an apology or resolution that will never come. These emotions are often tangled in ways that traditional grief frameworks don't always address.
Another layer of complexity is secondary losses, which refers to the ripple effects of grief that impact other areas of your life (Humphrey, 2010). Secondary losses in dysfunctional relationships can include:
Loss of a support network if mutual friends or family take sides
Loss of financial stability after leaving a toxic partner or abusive family member
Loss of a sense of identity tied to a role within that relationship (e.g., caretaker, provider)
Loss of potential future experiences, like family events or life milestones you imagined sharing with that person
These secondary losses add to the emotional burden, intensifying feelings of grief, guilt, and uncertainty.
Trauma bonds, which are connections formed through repeated cycles of abuse, add yet another layer of complexity. These bonds develop because the abuse is often intermittent, creating a push-pull dynamic where moments of kindness or love reinforce attachment, even when harm is present (Carnes, 1997). Trauma bonds can cause confusion, making it hard to break free emotionally from the person who hurt you, even when you recognize that the relationship was especially harmful.
Hidden Grief: When Dysfunction Is Kept Secret
In death, breakups, or estranged relationships, the dysfunction may even be hidden from those around you. Outwardly, everything might have seemed fine, while privately, you were dealing with emotional or physical harm. This secrecy can make the grieving process feel lonely—it's hard to share your feelings about someone everyone else remembers fondly or has no idea hurt you.
In some cases, this grief may also be categorized as disenfranchised grief—grief that is not acknowledged or supported by society (Doka, 1989). For instance, society may not fully recognize your grief if the person you are mourning was abusive or estranged, leaving you to navigate it alone.
In these situations, grief is compounded by the need to process not just your emotions but the reality of your relationship, which may be difficult for others to understand. Trauma bonds can intensify this, as they make it harder to reconcile your feelings of loss with the pain the person caused.
The Somatic Impact of Trauma and Dysfunctional Relationships
Even after the relationship ends—whether through death or separation—it can feel as though your body is haunted by the echoes of what was. The memories reverberate through your muscles, your breath, your sleep, like ghosts that refuse to fade. Somatic manifestations of grief and trauma can include chronic muscle tension, headaches, digestive issues, and sleep disturbances. Research suggests that traumatic stress can also lead to prolonged activation of the body’s fight-or-flight system, causing symptoms like hypervigilance, exhaustion, and emotional numbness (Van der Kolk, 2015).
These somatic symptoms serve as a reminder that healing isn’t just an emotional process—it’s physical, too. Unprocessed grief and trauma can become stored in the body, leading to persistent health issues if not addressed through supportive practices like somatic work in therapy, mindful movement, breathwork, and vocalizations like singing, humming, or sighing.
Closure Without Apology: Navigating Unresolved Grief
One of the most painful aspects of grieving someone who hurt you is the lack of closure. When the person is gone—whether through death or estrangement—the opportunity for an apology, reconciliation, or justice may disappear with them. It’s common to feel stuck in your grief, longing for an acknowledgment of your pain that will never come.
Apologies can provide validation and a sense of closure. However, healing does not always require forgiveness or an apology. Research shows that forgiveness, while beneficial for some, is not a prerequisite for healing (Wade & Worthington, 2021). The key lies in reclaiming your narrative—setting boundaries, acknowledging your pain, and finding peace on your own terms.
Healing After a Painful Loss: Reclamation
Healing from grief rooted in dysfunctional or harmful relationships is possible. Here are some practical strategies to help you move forward:
Engage in Grief Counselling or Trauma Therapy:
Working with a professional can help you untangle your complex emotions and process the trauma left by the relationship. Trauma therapy and grief counselling offer a safe space to explore these feelings and begin healing.
Create Personal Rituals:
Studies have shown that rituals can aid in processing difficult emotions and offer a sense of structure during chaotic times (Gordon, 2020). By engaging in personal rituals, you might find clarity and a way to express your emotions with intention. An example of this is writing an “honest eulogy,” which you can recite in private or share with a trusted confidant.
Connect with a Supportive Community:
Surround yourself with friends, family, or support groups who understand your experience. Connecting with others can reduce feelings of isolation and help you feel supported as you navigate your grief.
Practice Self-Compassion:
Give yourself permission to feel your full range of emotions without judgment. Whether you feel anger, confusion, or relief, all of these feelings are valid. Approach yourself with the same kindness you would extend to a friend facing a similar situation.
Ready to Begin Untangling?
If you’re navigating grief and/or trauma after losing someone who hurt you, know that it’s okay to seek help. As a Registered Nurse Psychotherapist specializing in grief counselling and trauma-informed therapy, I’m here for residents of Ontario. Book a free 15-minute consultation call with me today, and let’s find your path forward together.
References
Carnes, P. (1997). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Health Communications, Inc.
Doka, K. J. (1989). Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow. Lexington Books.
Gordon, A. M. (2020). The Power of Ritual: Turning Everyday Activities into Soulful Practices. HarperOne.
Harris, D. L., & Sutherland, M. (2021). Grief and Traumatic Loss: Helping Adults and Children Cope. Springer Publishing Company.
Humphrey, G. M. (2010). Counseling Strategies for Loss and Grief. American Counseling Association.
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2015). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
Wade, N. G., & Worthington, E. L. (2021). Handbook of Forgiveness. Routledge.