Preface: Before we dive in, I want to acknowledge the privilege of accessing therapy. While this post focuses on change within the context of mainstream therapeutic approaches, it’s important to recognize that lasting, meaningful change happens in many ways, often outside of a therapeutic setting.
Therapy is just one path. Change can also come through supportive friendships, community wisdom, spiritual practices, nature, self-reflection, creativity, and more.
Though good therapy has great potential to assist in healing, I encourage you to supplement it with other forms of support that suit your unique needs.
Why Change Is Slow in Therapy—And Why That’s a Good Thing
When we talk about change, we're not referring to the goal of altering the essence of who you are, wishing to be someone else, rejecting parts of yourself, or trying to eliminate every point of discomfort. Change, in this context, means acknowledging that 'I want something different than what I have now,' realizing that 'something about this isn't working,' or recognizing that 'I want to feel better.' Change is not a switch; it's incremental, and it can regress and morph over time. Since the word 'change' can be challenging for some folks, other helpful terms might be 'shift,' 'difference,' 'growth,' 'more/less of,' 'transform,' or 'evolve.'
You may not even know what needs changing by the time you get to therapy; but you intuitively feel something's gotta give.
Many of us dealing with grief, major life transitions, or trauma recognize the need for this kind of change. We may take steps toward it, but change often feels slow, messy, and sometimes like we're moving backward.
For some, change might look like:
"I was finally able to leave my house for the first time in weeks."
"After months of avoidance, I was able to listen to the friend who had hurt me."
"Today was the first day I spoke aloud and told my dead brother that I was mad at him."
"I’m starting to notice a pressure in my chest every time I’m around a certain colleague."
"I finally felt safe enough to tell my partner I didn't want to have sex."
Of course, there are outlier moments—like sudden epiphanies or light bulb moments—where insight seems to happen spontaneously. However, even these moments often result from a longer, more complex process beneath the surface.
The Science Behind Slow Progress in Therapy
Research from the American Psychological Association (2020) reveals that lasting change, especially in the context of therapy, often takes longer than expected because it involves neuroplasticity—the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. While neuroplasticity allows for change, the process is gradual because our brains are wired to favor familiar patterns, even when they are no longer beneficial (Kays, Hurley, & Taber, 2012). Every behavior and emotional pattern is linked to specific neural networks in the brain, which become deeply entrenched over time (Siegel, 2012). A study in the European Journal of Social Psychology found that behavioral change can take 18 to 254 days, or even longer for deeply ingrained habits (Lally et al., 2010). This slow pace reflects the gradual nature of building new habits and breaking old ones, as the brain slowly reshapes its neural pathways through neuroplasticity.
Why Change Is Slow in Therapy: A Metaphor for Growth
Imagine you’re standing at a crossroads. One path is well-worn, familiar, and easy to navigate. It’s the route you’ve taken countless times, but it leads to the same old, unfulfilling destination. The other path is overgrown, dark, and uncertain—it’s the road less traveled. It’s unknown, perhaps a bit scary, but it holds the potential for new experiences and growth. Naturally, we tend to stick to the familiar path, even if it’s barren or toxic, because it feels safer to our brain. The challenge in therapy is to gather the courage to step onto that less-traveled path, to embrace the discomfort of the unknown in the pursuit of true change.
Resistance and the Parts That Sabotage Progress
If you notice a part of yourself resisting or sabotaging your progress, this is an important moment to explore with your therapist. Attempting to work through this alone can be difficult due to something called "blending," where you become fused with the part that is resisting change, making it hard to gain perspective. Engaging in parts work with a therapist helps you separate from this part enough to engage in a dialogue that is curious and kind. By asking this part what it’s protecting you from, and what it needs to feel safe enough to let go, you can begin to unearth its underlying fears. This is often a crucial step in parts work, where we recognize that different aspects of ourselves have their own motivations and fears. Bringing awareness to these parts allows for greater integration and healing. Neuroscientifically speaking, each part corresponds to specific neural pathways in the brain that may be deeply entrenched (Schore, 2012). The work of therapy is, in part, about rewiring these pathways over time.
The Illusion of Control and the Courage to Change
It's easy to fall into the illusion of control—believing that if we just wait long enough, others will change, or life will rearrange itself in our favor. Sometimes, we might even try to exert our will on others, nudging them to change to better suit our needs. While it's natural to desire harmony and for others to meet us where we are, focusing on changing others can divert us from our own growth. We often have a propensity to try to control external circumstances before turning inward to address our own patterns.
While collective action, advocacy, and solidarity are vital and irreplaceable for creating broader systemic change, these efforts run parallel to our personal growth and transformation. Change in the world doesn't replace the need for change within ourselves.
Change is supposed to feel weird, difficult, and triggering. This discomfort is a natural part of the process, signaling that you're stepping out of your comfort zone and challenging established patterns. Embracing this discomfort rather than avoiding it allows us to align with the natural flow of life and make meaningful, lasting transformations.
The Strangeness of the Therapeutic Dynamic
It’s important to honor the strangeness of the therapeutic dynamic, where there is a one-sided sharing of vulnerabilities. This can understandably make most people feel uncertain, mistrusting, or on edge, despite your therapist's best intentions. Recognizing this tension allows you to move at a pace that respects both your conscious mind and your body’s slower, deeper process of coming to trust and buy into the work of therapy. If you feel comfortable, this might also be a great opportunity to openly discuss with your therapist how weird the relationship dynamic can feel. A good therapist will welcome this conversation—it’s part of building a trusting, honest connection!
The Importance of Patience and Safety in Therapy Progress
Therapy is not about making you dependent on your therapist or the therapy itself. True change happens when you can apply what you’ve learned in therapy to your everyday life.
In therapy, the nervous system and body need time to build capacity (the ability to handle and process emotions, stress, and challenges), develop a sense of safety, and establish trust with the therapist. We don’t just bring ourselves to the therapeutic space; we bring the survival mechanisms—like the instinct to withdraw or shut down when overwhelmed—that have kept us safe in the past. We also bring protective defenses, such as perfectionism or people-pleasing, which we've developed to shield ourselves from criticism or rejection.
This is where titration becomes essential—the gradual processing of emotional material to prevent overwhelming the system. Research shows that titration paces the therapeutic process, allowing the nervous system to build its capacity for handling distress (Levine, 2015). Since the mind and body are interconnected, this careful pacing helps create the safety needed to process difficult material effectively.
Evaluating Your Progress in Therapy
You might consider asking yourself these questions about your therapeutic work (this is not an exhaustive list, and not all will apply to you):
Am I learning more about myself?
Am I giving myself more grace?
Do I feel safer in my own skin?
Am I living in greater alignment with my values?
Do I feel my emotions rather than just analyze them?
Am I better able to tolerate multiple conflicting feelings at once?
Am I better at observing my thoughts without accepting them as absolute truth?
These questions can help you recognize the often subtle but significant shifts that indicate progress.
Ready to Begin?
If you're ready to explore these changes and need a supportive partner in your journey, I offer a free 15-minute consultation call. As a Registered Nurse Psychotherapist specializing in grief counselling and trauma-informed therapy, I’m here for residents of Ontario. Book a free 15-minute consultation call with me today, and let’s find your path forward together.
References
American Psychological Association. (2020). The road to resilience. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience
Kringelbach, M. L., & Berridge, K. C. (2017). The joy of parenting: The role of mesocorticolimbic dopamine in attachment and bonding. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 21(7), 475-484. doi:10.1016/j.tics.2017.04.008
Lally, P., van Jaarsveld, C. H. M., Potts, H. W. W., & Wardle, J. (2010). How are habits formed: Modelling habit formation in the real world. European Journal of Social Psychology, 40(6), 998-1009. doi:10.1002/ejsp.674
Levine, P. A. (2015). Trauma and Memory: Brain and Body in a Search for the Living Past. North Atlantic Books.
Schore, A. N. (2012). The science of the art of psychotherapy. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Guilford Press.